Insomnia strikes again...

Why can't I sleep???

Cute

Had to add this...my puppy sleeping under my desk at my feet while I have written these posts...isn't she adorable?

How did I miss that...

Since I was just clearing up "the lost months," something was bothering me...it would appear that I never wrote about something that happened in November. Now, since I am only writing about it now, I don't know why I didn't write about it before. There is an entire trip to Lethbridge that I didn't write about. One that I spent almost entirely with CT...in a hotel room, if you catch my drift (how could you not?) The only reason I bring it up now is since I am airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, it is relevent. It is relevent because it is one of those things in life that a person really regrets. I really regret doing that. I mean, CT and I had a friendship thing going. And then we have this weekend - which wasn't so great at all, sorry CT. I thought, at the time, that was what I wanted...but it really wasn't worth it in the end. 'Cause now things are awkward between us. I have totally been avoiding his calls, emails etc...mostly because I don't know how to spend time with him in person now, without him thinking that I'm going to jump him later. He keeps suggesting we get together again...but I'm just not interested any more. Anyway, as a good friend once told me "don't give it away for free Pinky!" I think I'll stick to that. Any suggestions on how to make contact without making contact? I still enjoy talking to him...

Pinky's Lost Months

Well, I didn't do mych today...I did the dishes, read a book, decided to write about the "lost months." I refer to the months where I didn't blog. I most certainly should have blogged, 'cause then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad. I shall begin.

Moving back to Peace River was harder than I expected. I really missed Bonnyville and the friends I made there. I missed my students, IF, etc. I missed the freedom, I missed being able to go to Lethbridge to visit M and E. I think without consciously realizing it, I had hoped that my mom would be in Peace River. I spent at least the first month believing she could quite possibly walk through the door. I was expecting her to give me shit for moving in with Dad - after all, I was supposed to move out and only visit home after last summer - I was not to move back in again. Slowly into February I realized she wasn't coming back. I also was experiencing difficulty at work. The students were difficult I was recieving negative feedback from my "colleagues" and flack from the parents. March brought more of the same, only intensified as my "first year teacher" illnesses began to surface. I conducted PTI's with a monster of a cold, missed almost a week of school because I was so sick. For those who know me, I rarely miss anything for illness...I just keep on trucking. April was a turning point professionaly, I figured out how to "handle" the issues with other staff members and my students and I found some common ground and made excellent headway there. Personally though, I was still facing difficulty. I missed my mom and began to realize she was not coming back. I still was (and still am) slightly in the "denial" stage of grief but leaning a lot harder into the anger. I became very anti-social (even more so than I had been Jan-March), I noticed myself becoming bitter and critical...and not confident in myself socially or professionaly. This continued and worsened in May and June as I began looking for work and faced interviews and rejection. Lets face it, there was a job opeing at my school and they didn't seem interested in hiring me. That is a little hard on the ego. I had by now stopped returning phone calls and emails from friends like CT and so on. I had turned of my MSN, losing contact with many friends. Then at the end of June, my Uncle passed away. While I was not close with him, he left behind 2 daughters and a son who are close in age to me. I made sure Dad went - but I didn't go. I probably could have, but didn't. I hid behind the excuse that "I started the year with a funeral, I didn't want to end with one." I didn't even call...haven't yet actually. I have been smoking excessively and binge eating like you wouldn't believe...I don't even want to think about how much weight I've gained. But tonight (or this morning), I made a big step. I went to the IGA and instead of buying potato chips and other "food" I purchased 4 cans of Slim Fast, some milk and some fruit. I will start the Zyban again tomorrow morning. Now don't get all excited, I most likely won't actually quit smoking, but I should be able to cut back - and the binge eating has got to stop. I am going to go get my hair cut and coloured (that's another story for another blog) and buy a swim pass. I have 1 month left this summer to make some serious physical changes. Now miracles like this won't happen over night, but I've made these changes before and achieved success so here's hoping I can make it stick this time. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of aching backs and sore feet. I'm tired of getting out of breath doing small tasks. It is time my friends. Time to start living and stop killing myself. There have been times over the last 6 months where I have been so sad I have wanted to die. I think in a way, my behavior has been such that I wanted to speed of the death process so I could see mom again. But her voice has been getting louder and stronger lately and I know she is telling me to grow up. She once told me that no child of hers was ever going to committ suicide and folks, I think that was the path I was on. I'm off it now. We shall see how it goes. Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep you posted. Oh, and for any friends out there reading this who haven't heard from me in a while - please forgive me.

Peace Fest

Well today in the town of Peace River is the annual Peace Fest. There is loads of activities and concerts ect. going on. As a rule I try an avoid this hubub as it makes parking and travel difficult and it just it not my scene. I actually would have enjoyed going to the concerts this year but alas had no one to go with. Oh well. I went to some of the stuff downtown today, took Maggie and stayed until I got bored. We just kind of wandered around to look at the sights. See picture. There is also jet boat racing going on. I would have loved to see some of that, however it was impossible to park anywhere near the goings on and my new sandles have given me the mother of all blisters on my feet. This is Maggie's fault as she ate my shoe. See picture. Anyway, after that, I brought Maggie home and put her in the yard with the sprinkler on and went to the library. Grabbed a few books to read on the porch as I have gone through my collection at home. Nice peaceful abliet noisy day (see comment about jet-boat racing). Tomorrow I am off to Crooked Creek as one of my cousins is to be married. Good for her, I say, I hope she's happy.